Thursday, October 15, 2009

blues-y

I want to spend my birthday alone this year. By that I mean a lot of time away from family, friends, loved one. I will be a stranger among strangers, hiding away in anonymity (as if hahabulin ng paparazzi haha).

I think I need this – to feel a sense of independence, to know for sure that I can be who I am without the usual people around me. To be honest, I’ve been craving for this for years. This desire to break away. I get it at random moments. I vividly remember a time when I was sitting in a jeepney on Buendia, and I wanted to literally fly through the window and just go far, far away. Of course I was stuck between office workers and men in sando until I alighted in front of RCBC, but I will never forget that feeling. That was me, on a cliff, wanting desperately – excitedly – to fly off the edge.

It's not that I'm unhappy. I actually find it hard to accept that at almost 27 years old and nearly married, I’m still looking for that part of myself that the universe hasn’t bestowed on me yet. I'm already so blessed, what is there to pine for? But I think I have to face the fact that the search for myself isn't over. I think I have to live with it, and keep moving forward.

4 comments:

shiva said...

we never stop learning about ourselves -- in solitude, among loved ones or strangers. it's a constant, ongoing process.

you don't need to be *physically* alone to know about yourself. unless what you really mean is you want to know who you are as who you are -- not as a fiancee, daughter, friend, teacher, or colleague. regardless, i still maintain :)

Lara said...

i understand what you mean. :) but at that point i needed to physically block the noise, and create a temporary shell. i just really needed the silence.

kyela said...

haaayz.. quarter life crisis na ba 'to? haha i miss you two. kelan ka ba uuwi shivs? at kelan ang fitting, lara?

Lara said...

post quarter life hehe.

november uuwi si shiva.

measurement-taking niyo ay first week of nov ata, will confirm. labas tayo after! or inom na lang tayo sa bahay hehe. miss ko na rin kayo. :(